This Is My Confession

[ethereal_tempest]

So...today two of my friends took a monumental step in their lives. I couldn't be happier for them. I wish them both all the happiness in the world. Now for the dilemma. As my friend was preparing to surprise his girlfriend,he was happily telling me the details od how he was going to surprise her and as he was telling me this,I was torn. Again,I am happy for them both,but part of me was screaming internally: STOP! STOP TELLING ME! I honestly understand why some people say that its hard living with a couple. We get along great and all. Their love is sweet and strong and I admire that a lot. The problem is that it made me take a good look inside myself and wonder WHY? What did I miss? Why is love eluding me? Why did I ever give people who were undeserving of my affections a chance? Am I really that unloveable? That unlucky? Am I really a problem? I have a friend who is with child,a friend whose married,and two of my friends are engaged as of today. Love is everywhere around me,EXCEPT with me. WHY AM I ALWAYS ALONE? I never get my moment in the sun. It hurts. These feelings cascaded over me like a wave the night before last. I had to retreat to my room from them often. I can't be around them too much because it hurts. I want to be in love. I'm worthy of love. I can be a great partner to someone. I don't want anyone's PITY. I just want to have what others have. I just...don't know how much longer I can hold on,to the hope within my heart...

Comments

[wraithmoon]

I hear you, sis. I was once where you are now (pre-Josh, even during my time with Isaiah.) As noble as it is to celebrate others' happiness, it is not so selfish to want a piece of that communion for yourself. You are absolutely worthy of it and love is not eluding you. You are a Witch, sister. Would you consider calling love to you? Surely there's some kind of magick for you to cast and call an opportunity of love for yourself. I visualized (someone like) Josh for close to a year before meeting him. I envisioned meeting someone with the qualities (both physical and personality) I sought and desired- and when I felt ready, I put myself out therein the world. It was not a coincidence when he found my profile on OkCupid.

But I love you and I loathe the fact that you're hurting. Please know that I'm here if you need someone to listen ♥

[ethereal_tempest]

It's upsetting that these feelings keep popping up. I'm okay as of now,its like the tide,it comes and goes. You remember the musical Guys and Dolls,right? Sargeant Sarah Brown said that she was “Neurotically Repressed” Utterly attracted to sin and Utterly afraid of it. I am “Intimately Repressed” Utterly attracted to love and utterly afraid of it. Although,now it seems like a excuse. I haven't tried calling love to me yet,but I have been gaining interest in stones that promote love for a while and that has me believing that i'm on the verge of meeting someone soon. I will do my best to be more open to love and cast a love spell. Thanks for always being here for me. I love and appreciate you.

[wraithmoon]

Why are you afraid of love? True love, authentic love, unconditional love is nothing to fear. And maybe that's what you need to call to you; unconditional love. (You absolutely do not have to answer me specifically, my question is rhetoric.) That fear - which is a powerful emotion and energy - is what could be blocking you from the happiness and wholeness that you seek. It dulls your energy, lowers it. When you're looking for anything (love, abundance, etc) you need your energy to be raised so you shine brighter and are able to further attract what you're seeking. (These are some of the things I've only recently learned myself, fyi.)

And you're welcome, anything to help! I love you and appreciate you too! ♥

[ethereal_tempest]

The problem is that I have given my all,TWICE and got shat on and treated like trash. Naturally,this has given me a negative outlook on love,which I am coming out of and I will work my damndest not to happen again. The fear is falling for someone,them becoming my world,and BOOM! It turns to shit,with me being the only one trying or someone treating me like garbage to make someone else feel better. Again, I am trying,but that fear remains with a strong grip. I am shining,but it's hard to see

[wraithmoon]

That's a valid fear, I can't argue with that. Opening up like that with anyone is absolutely a risk and sometimes shit happens. Sometimes we choose someone we think is a quality person when they're not. I'm sorry you've had those experiences and that you have this fear of falling for someone again and have them treat you less than you deserve. Giving that fear your power doesn't help, but I still suggest some manifestation and visualization so YOU are in control of what you are looking for in your next relationship and placing your intent into the universe.

I love you, sis. I just want you to be happy, whatever that means ♥